 What is it like being LGBT in the residence halls? Being a minority in a residence hall can be difficult at times. A college campus is a microcosm of society, meaning it is a mini-society. A student can expect to encounter the same issues on a college campus that he or she might in a residential community. However, the Residential Life Staff is very committed to supporting the LGBTA community at University Park. Several members of the Residential Life community are also members of the LGBT Support Network. They provide safe areas to talk about LGBTA issues. In addition, they are trained to deal with issues of intolerance and have resources and information on how to help you through an act of hate, discrimination, or intolerance. Many of the professional staff members in Residence Life have gone through LGBT staff training. Resident Assistants are also trained every fall on LGBT topics and resources at Penn State. They are often Allies to the LGBT community and make the dorm experience a safer and better one. To see a listing of Support Network members, go to http://www.sa.psu.edu/lgbt/supportnetwork. What should I do if I am harassed for being LGBT or Ally? First, realize that whatever happened to you was wrong and is not your fault. Do not take the blame for someone else's intolerance. Secondly, take care of yourself. Find support from friends, family, or individuals on campus that are here to provide support such as CAPS (863-0395) or the LGBTA Student Resource Center. Thirdly, if you are comfortable doing this, speak up. Talk to your RA or someone from the LGBTA Student Resource Center. Penn State University has a policy on Zero Tolerance and does its best to protect all of its students. To report incidents involving acts of hate, intolerance, harassment, and/or incivility, complete the Hate Report Form at: http://www.equity.psu.edu/reporthate/. Also remember that Penn State’s Non-Discrimination Statement is inclusive of sexual orientation and gender identity, http://guru.psu.edu/POLICIES/Ad42.html. Students can also call the Lion Support Help Line at (814) 863-2020 or the Affirmative Action Office (814) 863-0471. To find out more, visit http://www.equity.psu.edu/zero/. There is a Diversity Advocate for Students, Denise Hinds-Zaami at the Multicultural Resource Center. The position is through the Office of Educational Equity in 119 Grange building and the phone number is (814) 865-1773. What LGBTA support is offered in Fraternity and Sorority Life? There is a national group for LGBTA Greek member called the Greek Safe Zone which is a part of the Lambda 10 Project. You can find out more about this organization at their web site: www.lambda10.org/ or by emailing them at info@lambda10.orgPSU has had an active colony of Delta Lambda Phi, which should gain full chapter status within the next year. DLP is a national fraternity for gay, bisexual and progressive men. For information on DLP email pennstate.dlp@gmail.com.
Some of the staff at the Sorority and Fraternity Life office are also members of the LGBT Support Network. If you are currently a member of a sorority or fraternity and would like someone to come in to talk with your group about making your house friendly to it's LGBT members, please contact the LGBTA Student Resource Center or look into bringing the Straight Talks program to your house. Can I major in Queer studies? Who can I talk to about LGBTA issues on campus? Students have several resources on campus. The LGBTA Student Resource Center is a space that is welcoming all students. Staff and students are available to talk to anyone with a concern.
The Support Network offers students another resource. The LGBT Support Network offers students a safe zone to speak about LGBTA issues. Support Network members have a sign or poster somewhere in an office or room, or you may see students with a button on a backpack.
Students can also call the Center for Counseling & Psychological Services (CAPS) (814) 863-0395 and talk with a counselor. The services are free and confidential to students.
What do I do if I'm an athlete who is LGBT? Who can I talk to? All students are welcome at the LGBTA Student Resource Center; however, some student populations are not comfortable coming in during the 8-5 hours the center is open. If this is the case, call (814) 863-1248 or email LGBTA@psu.edu to set-up an alternative appointment. Your email or phone call will be kept confidential. The LGBT Support Network is another alternative. Several employees of the Morgan Academic Support Center for Student Athletes are members of the LGBT Support Network. You can find a Support Network member by looking for the Support Network poster or sign that is hung in a staff member’s office or by going to the Support Network website at http://www.sa.psu.edu/lgbt/supportnetwork In addition, here are some websites that may be of help. What if I'm a Penn State student from a different campus than University Park? The LGBT Support Network extends to all Penn State campuses and locations, including Penn Tech and the Hershey Medical Center. Refer to our Support Network link: http://www.sa.psu.edu/lgbt/supportnetwork to find someone at your location. In addition, several Penn State campuses have LGBTA clubs or student groups. To find a listing of these groups, please go to our Resources web site link at http://www.sa.psu.edu/lgbt/resources.cfm. What is National Coming Out Day? National Coming Out Day (NCOD), celebrates Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Ally persons. The first NCOD occurred as a march in Washington, D.C. on October 11, 1987. Months later, several individuals decided to make this an anniversary date that has been celebrated ever since. Penn State University at University Park celebrates NCOD events each year through a variety of events such as a the Old Main Rally, keynote speaker, student drag show along with a variety of other events to raise awareness of the LGBT community. Please check our Events website for current NCOD events each year: http://www.events.psu.edu/. We also have a website dedicated to National Coming Out Week at Penn State which can be found here, http://www.ncodw.psu.edu/ Are there any gender neutral, unisex, or single stall restrooms on campus? About the Center The mission of the LGBTA Student Resource Center is to assist the entire Penn State University community in ensuring the inclusion of LGBTA persons and in eliminating homophobia and heterosexism at PSU by providing a comprehensive range of direct service, referral, programming, outreach, and education. In addition, we envision a campus where LGBTA people feel welcomed and are included in every aspect of the PSU community. The LGBTA Student Resource Center offers several resources: safe space, peer counseling, a meeting place, and information on anything from coming out to LGBT friendly employers. We have a friendly staff that welcomes anyone, gay or straight, into the center and the community. We also offer a library that contains books, educational and social videos, magazines, and scholarly and non-scholarly journals and articles. The resources are available to all students, staff, faculty, administration and community members.
If I go to an LGBTA event, will that out me? Not necessarily. You make the decision to come out as a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, ally, or straight person. The LGBT community has several allies. We are a community that tries to avoid assumptions about the sexual orientation or all persons. Again, it will be your decision when, if, and who you choose to come out to. There is a fear by many individuals that taking part in LGBT events or going to the LGBTA Student Resource Center is only for people that openly identify as LGBT. The Center has many students and staff members that are Allies and all of the events held by the LGBT community are open to everyone. We encourage people that are Allies or just want more information about the LGBTA community to attend events and visit the Center.
How can I get involved? Students have several involvement opportunities at University Park. The LGBTA Student Resource Centers offers internships to undergraduate and graduate students. The Straight Talks program is a course that trains students on how to present LGBTA issues to populations unaware of what it is like to be LGBTA. The center also provides volunteer opportunities for students. Finally, students can join a variety of student groups on campus. See the Resource Section of the Web page for a current listing of the groups. What is an Ally? How do Allies fit into the LGBT community? An ally is an advocate for the LGBT community. An ally supports LGBT persons and gives voice to that support. Allies are integral to the LGBT community because they are an example to those outside the LGBTA community that a person who is lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender is a person who deserves the same rights and privileges as those who are straight. Again, an ally gives voice to the given support, and in fact, must also “come out” to people as an ally of the LGBT community.
What is the LGBTA Student Resource Center Advisory Board? The Advisory Board explores issues surrounding the LGBTA community at University Park. Members discuss the efforts of the LGBTA Student Resource Center in order to determine what populations are being reached, and where efforts need to be improved. The Advisory Board reviews and pre-views the LGBTA Speaker and film series that has included individuals such as Keith Boykin (Black and Gay) and Shane Windmeyer (Gay and Greek). The Board is comprised of undergraduate and graduate students, staff, faculty and community members. Some members are appointed by campus groups and others are invited to sit on the Board by the Center Director. If you are interested in being a part of the Advisory Board, contact the Director at the LGBTA SRC.
What are Straight Talks? Straight Talks is a program run by the LGBTA Student Resource Center. Undergraduate students take this three credit course and are trained to go to various University Park classrooms and talk about what it is like to be LGBTA. Graduate students, faculty, and staff can also be trained. The center provides a workshop in the spring for this purpose. A Straight Talk is in essence a panel discussion in which members of the LGBTA community discuss the stereotypes of the LGBTA community, provide personal stories, and answer questions by those attending. Straight Talks are typically less than an hour and provide those attending with a glimpse of what it means to be LGBTA. For more information about Straight Talks, visit https://www.sa.psu.edu/lgbt/StraightTalks.shtml. Are there any LGBTA Friendly Hang-Outs? University Park campus and the city of State College offer several LGBTA Friendly hangouts. Many students make use of the LGBTA Student Resource Center during operating hours (M-F, 8-5). In addition, many students spend time in the portion of the HUB-Robeson Center where student groups are located. Some quiet or not so quiet hangouts are Webster’s Bookstore, and Saint’s Cafe. For those 21 or older, Chumley’s offers a pub atmosphere, and Indigo provide ‘Rainbow Night,’ an alternative evening where you can dance.
What support is available for LGBTA teenagers? At this time, there is only one local State College High school GSA (Gay Straight Alliance). If you are a member of the State College High school and would like more information about the group and their activities, please email scahsgsa@yahoo.com. A gay-straight alliance aims to create a safe, welcoming environment for everyone, regardless of one’s sexual orientation or gender identity, and works to combat harassment and discrimination. Other resources can be found on our youth links page, http://www.sa.psu.edu/lgbt/apps/links.aspx?display=Youth. GLSEN is the leading national organization fighting to end anti-gay bias in K-12 schools. Go to www.glsen.org/ to find out how to find or start a chapter at your school.
There is also a local chapter of PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). You can contact their national web site at: www.pflag.org/. Or call the Center for their current contact information. If you would like educational information brought to your school or need help starting a GSA (Gay/Straight Alliance) at your high school, feel free to contact the Director of our Center at 814-863-1248. Many of the speakers and other events are open to the community and local student are welcome to attend. Check out the events website for a listing of all upcoming events, including LGBTA youth conferences. http://www.sa.psu.edu/lgbt/. Are there alternatives to the bar scene? Yes! A lot of LGBTA students become involved in student groups that do activities both on and off campus. Bowling and movie nights are popular. Also, each semester, there are specific LGBTA events such as National Coming Out Day, and the Pride Week activities. These are just a few options for students.
Is there a gay bar? Yes, in a way, there are three. Chumley’s is associated with Hotel State College and is located next to the Corner Room on Allen St. Chumley’s is primarily an LGBT bar, however, all individuals are welcome. If you are looking to dance or play some pool, Sunday night’s at Indigo offers Alternative “Rainbow” night. The night is geared toward the LGBTA community.
Where can I get tested for STDs and HIV? There are several options available for a student to get tested for STDs and HIV. First, University Health Services (UHS) offers Confidential Testing and Counseling. The AIDS Project in downtown State College offers Anonymous testing and counseling to those considered to be at high risk (men who have sex with men and IV drug users). You may also get testing at Tapestry of Health and the Pennsylvania Department of Health. Please note that confidential does not mean anonymous. Testing done through UHS is confidential and results are kept in your personal file. Anonymous testing means you are given a number and that is how your test is referenced, but no name is attached to your results. You should call each of these locations to inquire about their availability of testing before going. Some locations only offer testing on certain days and/or certain times. You can also inquire about what specifically they test for, what charges may apply, and if their testing is done anonymously or confidentially. UHS
(814) 863-0774 AIDS Project
141 West Beaver Avenue
(814) 234-7087
State College, PA 16801 Planned Parenthood of the Susquehanna Valley
3091 Enterprise Drive
Suite 150
State College, PA 16801
(814) 867-7778
www.ppsv.net Tapestry of Health
240 Match Factory Place
Bellefonte, PA
(814) 355-3762 Pennsylvania Department of Health
280 West Hamilton Avenue
State College, PA 16801
(814) 865-0932 Where can I get protection and Safer Sex information? Protection is available at University Health Services, the LGBTA Student Resource Center, and the AIDS Project. University Health Services
(814) 863-0774 AIDS Project
141 West Beave Avenue
State College, PA 16801
(814) 234-7087
The LGBTA Student Resource Center in 101 Boucke Building also has a variety of books and pamphlets that deal with safer sex options and concerns and free condoms, dental dams, and lube as well. Are there counseling or therapy services for LGBT issues? Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) offers its services to all students. Several CAPS staff are members of the LGBTA Support Network and are LGBTA sensitive and friendly. In addition, there are several groups…between men…between women…etc. Staff and faculty can call the center for referrals to local LGBTA sensitive therapists. Staff can also use Employee Assistance Program and ask for a referral to someone who has experience with LGBTA issues and concerns. The toll-free number is 1-800-858-2778. In addition, there are a variety of community and campus numbers to deal with emergency situations Centre County CAN HELP Line 1-800-643-5432, Community Help Centre 235-1890, Psychiatric Medication Questions 234-6110, Centre County Women’s Resource Center 234-5050, Centre Community Hospital Emergency 234-6110, The Meadows Psychiatric Center 1-800-641-7529, PSU Peer Counselors-LION Support 863-2020. If you are afraid you will not be able to avoid hurting yourself or someone else, get help immediately. Go to the Centre Community Hospital Emergency Department Call 911 or 1-800-643-5432 for the CAN HELP mobile crisis team. Where can I get information on domestic violence/sexual assault? The Center for Women Students is an excellent resource to both the University Park campus and surrounding community. The website is http://www.sa.psu.edu/cws. It includes several links about what to do if someone you know has been raped, sexual assault awareness, relationship violence, and more. The Center for Women Students is located at 102 Boucke Building. Email is cws@sa.psu.edu and the telephone number is (814) 863-2027. The Centre County Women’s Resource Center is also an excellent resource. Trained volunteers and staff provide crisis intervention for victims of rape and domestic violence on their 24-hour hotline. They also operate a shelter for women who are currently in abusive relationships and need safe housing temporarily. They can be reached at 140 Nittany Avenue or (814) 234-5222. What do I do if I experience discrimination in the classroom? Penn State University offers several resources if an individual experiences discrimination on campus. - To report incidents involving acts of hate, intolerance, harassment and/or incivility, complete the Hate Report Form at www.psu.edu/dept/aaoffice/report_hate.htm.
- Students can also call the Affirmative Action Office at (814) 863-0471.
- The Penn State Support Network and Penn State University have a Zero Tolerance policy. To find out more, visit www.equity.psu.edu/reporthate/.
- You can also contact the LGBTA Student Resource Center to set-up educational trainings for the department or look at options or resources available to you.
If you just need a safe space to talk about what you have experienced, there are a variety of offices on campus that are members of the Zero Tolerance for Hate Program. Please stop by any of these offices to talk with someone who can help you. Some of the offices include: :LGBTA Student Resource Center, Multicultural Resource Center, Center for Women Students. Where can I go for help with substance abuse and/or Alcohol concerns? - Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) at University Park offers a general substance-related disorders group that is open to all students. It is not a 12-step group, but rather focuses on establishing a healthier way of life, including addressing group members' substance-related problems. The group process includes the development of insight, social skills-building, and improved expression of feelings. For information on individual or group counseling, call (814) 863-0395 or visit www.sa.psu.edu/caps/.
- The LGBTA Student Resource Center has a list of CAPS counselors who are on the Support Network and are LGBT friendly. Staff can also use Employee Assistance Program and ask for a referral to someone who has experience with LGBTA issues and concerns. The toll-free number is 1-800-858-2778.
- Many LGBTA individuals attend the local Alcoholics Anonymous groups. The phone number is (814) 237-3757.
Who can I talk to about image or eating disorders? University Counseling Services, specifically Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS), provides students with both individual and group counseling opportunities. For information on individual or group counseling, call (814) 863-0395 or visit ww.sa.psu.edu/caps/. The LGBTA Student Resource Center has a list of CAPS counselors who are on the Support Network and are LGBT friendly and also provides resources in our library on easting disorders. How do I complete a Name Change in Centre County, Pennsylvania? Name change proceedings, updated 3/31/09. Go to the Center County Prothonotary Office in the courthouse in Bellefonte, PA ask for the Name Change Petition paperwork. Go to the Booking Facility at the Center County Correctional Facility to be fingerprinted. Bring photo ID. Payments accepted: Cashier’s Check, Cash, (NO CARDS), $20.00. Return paperwork to courthouse and pay the filing fee, $90.00. Your court date will arrive via mail. Contact the Center Daily Times (238-5000). Use the provided sample and enter the correct names and times to the sample provided by the Prothonotary Office, $ 55.00. Contact the Center County Legal Journal (353-3472). You will have to mail or fax the Notice to the Journal. The Journal will mail the proof along with a bill for the publication. Allow at least two weeks for it to be published and the Proof delivered, $20.00. Day before Your Hearing: Call the Prothonotary office to have a judgment search performed to see if there are any pending court cases on the books. Call Recorder of Deeds and have a Mortgage search performed to make sure there are no outstanding mortgages in the name. The day of your hearing: pick up the paperwork at the Recorder of Deeds Office, $5.00. Stop by the Prothonotary Office on the way to the Courtroom to pick up the Judgement Search, $ 7.00. Arrive early. When your case is heard the judge will ask you to present the Mortgage Search, Judgment Search and the Proof of Publications from the CDT and the CCLJ. Judge may ask reason for the name change, to which you would respond, “gender reassignment.” Where can I go for help with speech if I am transitioning? PSU students can email Connie at cik4@psu.edu in the Speech and Hearing Clinic to set up appointments for speech therapy. She is very good with transexual students. There is often a semester wait period to get an apt., depending on how busy they are.
Transgender Friendly Laser Hair Removal Center for Cosmetic Medicine, located in the State Collge office of Blair Plastic Surgery. Has worked with many MTF clients and is very friendly according to patron reports. 814-234-1420, 1952 Waddle Road
How can I change my gender on my US Passport? How can I change the gender marker on my Pennsylvania driver license? The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation (PennDOT) has made a change in gender marker policy. "Gender Markers" refer to those ways in which individuals present themselves mostly on official documentation. For example, on a driver's license your "gender marker" would refer to your name and photograph. With the newly adopted policy, transgender citizens of Pennsylvania will be permitted to change the designated gender on their driver's license when they are living full-time in their new gender and it can be verified in writing by a licensed medical or psychological caregiver. Also, there is a form that needs to be filled out by a Physician, Therapist/Counselor, or Social Worker www.dmv.state.pa.us/pdotforms/dl_forms/dl-32.pdf. Go to the PennDOT DMV with your State Department letter from your physician and the completed form. What do I do if my child comes out to me? Parents often take it very hard when a child comes out as LGBT. They may sometimes blame themselves, thinking they did something wrong. Nothing could be further from the truth. Many parents come to grips with this after some time and they often do so with the support of other parents who have gone through a son or daughter coming out to them. The organization to call PFLAG, Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Visit www.pflag.org/ for more information. This website contains information on 18 PFLAG chapters in Pennsylvania alone. The PFLAG website is also available in Spanish. In addition, visit www.hrc.org/. This website may give you greater insight into what your son or daughter is currently going through while coming out. What resources are available for gay parents? The LGBTA Student Resource Center has a variety of resources for gay parents. We have a library with many books, magazines and videos on the subject. Community members as well as those associated with the university are welcome to use the materials. Parents dealing with coming out or divorce may also use the Center for resources to lawyers or counselors in the areas as well as a way to find information about the local LGBT community and networking. Local PFLAG chapters may also be of interest to you. Please check with the Center for current information on contacting the local PFLAG chapter.
What do I do if my roommate comes out to me? The best thing to do is listen to your roommate. You may not agree with what he or she is telling you and that is okay. If this is the case, make sure you talk to your roommate, RA, Area Coordinator, or someone else you trust to help you both through this situation. Realize that the reason your roommate came out to you is not that he or she is attracted to you. Rather, your roommate likely came out in order to live openly and honestly.
What do I do if my friend comes out to me? Coming out is a very personal process. It is an important step in acceptance of an LGBT identity. It is difficult to know what to say and do to be a supportive friend but here are some suggestions: - Thank your friend for having the courage to tell you. Choosing to tell you means they have a great deal of respect and trust for you.
- Don’t judge your friend. If you have strong religious or other beliefs about homosexuality, keep them to yourself for now. There will be plenty of time in the future for you to think and talk about your beliefs in light of your friend’s orientation.
- Respect your friend’s confidentiality. They are probably not ready to tell others right away and want to tell people in their own way.
- Ask any questions you may have, but be prepared that your friend may not have all the answers. You can save some questions for later, or better yet, you can find some answers together.
As a friend, there is more you can do than is listed here. If you need more information, contact the LGBTA SRC. My brother/sister/parent just came out. How can I show support? Having a sibling or parent come out may be extremely difficult. Considering the societal implications that go with being LGBT, your sister, brother or parent may be feeling very isolated. One way to support your siblings, or parent is by joining Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). Visit www.pflag.org/ for more information. In addition, visit www.hrc.org/ and check out their pages on ‘Coming Out’. Both websites can give you some insight and information on what your family member may be going through. Finally, talk to your sister, brother or parent. Let your family member know that you will support him or her, and that you are proud he or she decided to come out. Is it possible for graduate and undergraduate students to include domestic partners under university health insurance coverage? Yes. Graduate and undergraduate students can purchase benefits for domestic partners if they wish, but there are some limitations to coverage. Undergraduates can purchase medical insurance for Domestic Partners. For graduate students, there is a difference in the cost, depending on which plan they choose and if they are a graduate assistant or fellow who receives a stipend/pay from the university. Paid graduate assistants and fellows are eligible to purchase full medical, dental and eye coverage for domestic partners. However, graduate assistants and fellows who are not in assistantships or fellowships are not eligible for dental and vision coverage, but may still purchase the same medical coverage undergraduate students can purchase. For more detailed information, students should go to the Student Health Insurance 302 Student Health Building, and/or visit their website www.sa.psu.edu/uhs/basics/insurance.cfm Are domestic partners of graduate students permitted to use the library? Yes, if the partner is a Pennsylvania resident. Pennsylvania residents may check out up to 20 books at a time for 28 days.
Are domestic partners of graduate students permitted to use the workout facilities? Yes. There are two options. Any visitor may use the gym with a Penn State student for a nominal fee per day, assuming the student has membership. For partners who are PA residents, a special gym pass can be purchased. Each couple should visit Room 111 of the White Building (during summer session) or Room 146 of the White Building (remainder of the year) for a gym pass - either per semester or per year. Cost is variable, but as of 2006 - $68/semester and $175/year.
What are the current health benefits for domestic partners and families of staff? Coming Out:A Cultural Roadmap (By:Crista Livecchi)back to top Does questioning your sexuality make you queer? Of course not. Questioning your sexuality is just another part of figuring out who you are in the grand scheme of things. While questioning anything about yourself can be unsettling, it can also be healthy and you might even come to the conclusion that you're straight. In the long run, regardless of whatever conclusion you make, what questioning does is make you more secure in who you are. Regardless of who you are, that sense of security is valuable.
Does being queer mean that you have to be open about your sexuality? Absolutely not. There will be people who tell you that you have to be out, that sexuality is political, and that it's ever queer person's responsibility to be open about who they are. It's a valid perspective, but I think that the choice is yours. Some people have very good reasons for not revealing their sexual identity and if you are in a situation where you feel unsafe being out you shouldn't feel obligated to reveal your sexuality to anyone. On the other hand, being completely closeted can be lonely and dangerous. You might feel isolated, scared, lonely, ashamed, misunderstood, depressed, or even suicidal. Sometimes just having one or two close, trustworthy friends who know and support you can alleviate some of the stress of having to hide. Regardless of whether or not you come out, you should be aware that you don't always have a choice about who knows and so you should have an idea of how to talk to someone who has discovered your identity in a way you're not happy about.
Here's what you need to know: you don't have to be out at all, and you don't have to be out to everyone. It is your choice who you tell, and you should choose to tell people you trust to be supportive. But be prepared,people may wonder, and some people may know about you whether you want them to or not.
What is coming out like? Let me answer this by dispelling what I think is the biggest misconception people have about coming out: coming out is not something you do once; it's something you will do time and time again. Every time you encounter a new group of people, you will have to decide whether you want to come out, and how and when you want to do it. Every time you decide to come out to new people the experience will be a little different. It depends on the people, the circumstances, the way you present it, and how you feel about it. In general, it gets easier as you feel more comfortable with yourself, and you may find it generally easier to come out to people you've never met before rather than people you've known for years.
In the beginning it's hard not to make a big deal about coming out. The first few times you do it, it's scary. You don't always know if people are going to accept or reject this new information about you, and chances are, you're coming out to people who already know you. Let me say this very clearly: this is the hardest part. It's hard not to worry that you're disappointing the people you're closest to and they won't always react in a supportive way. I don't want to lie, it's not easy in the beginning. Sometimes good friends may feel betrayed, and sometimes families may react with violence. By the same token, some people may surprise you with just how accepting they are. Chances are, you'll have a sense of how the people closest to you will respond and you should consider that when you're deciding whether or not to come out to them.
As you transition from coming out to people you know to coming out to people who are new in your life, the experience of coming out changes. The more people you come out to, the more tricks you'll develop for coming out in more subtle and low-key ways. You'll start to realize that it doesn't have to be the first thing that people know about you and you'll also find that as you're more confident in your sexuality people won't be all that shocked, because they will have picked up on little cues in your behavior or in conversations you've had with them.
The most important thing is this to only come out to a particular person or group of people when you're ready to. Before you come out, try to gauge how they might react, and let that guide how you approach them.
What do you do if someone outs you when you don't want to be out? There are a number of situations where someone might know about your sexuality (whether or not you wanted them to) and they decide to tell someone else about it without your consent. The first thing you will have to do is determine the severity of the consequences. Are you suddenly in a position where you might lose your job? Or is the result someone knows who doesn't have much impact on your daily life? Based on the severity of the situation, you will have to decide how to proceed.
Understand something: if someone outs you without your consent, it is a violation of your trust and your privacy. You have every right to confront them. I don't recommend violence, but I do recommend explaining to them that this was unacceptable and how it has affected your life. Make sure that you take your own safety into consideration if you decide to confront the person. It might be worth having a supporter or neutral party in the room with you when you do.
Does being queer mean you want to have sex with everyone of the same sex (if you're gay) or everyone in general (if you're bisexual)? No. Queer folks have standards too. Unless you think of sexual identity as performance art, chances are you're not suddenly going to want to sleep with everyone. And frankly, being queer isn't just about sex.
Does being queer mean you're promiscuous? Honestly, it depends on the person. Just as there are promiscuous straight people, there are promiscuous queer people. Just as there are monogamous straight people, there are monogamous queer people.
Does having sex with someone of the same sex automatically mean you're gay? No, it just means that you've had sex with someone of the same sex. It is an action that may or may not reflect your sexual identity.
Do I have to have sex with someone of the same sex in order to really be queer? No. Let's turn this question on its head. Do you have to have sex with someone of the opposite sex in order to be straight? Sounds like a silly question, right? This comes back to my statement earlier that being queer isn't just about sex. It's also about the relationships we build, the romantic attractions we have, and the ways we think about and present ourselves. Queer identities have that much in common with straight identities.
Does being queer mean you can't be religious? No, but not all religious communities are equally welcoming, and they don't have to be. You might have to do a little research, but there are some religious communities that are inclusive and welcoming to people of all sexualities. Ultimately, being queer doesn't mean that you have to give up your religious beliefs, though if you come from a religious background that isn't accepting, you may have to find ways to reconcile your identity with your faith.
Does being queer mean you have to dress/act/talk a specific way? No. There is a lot of variation in the queer community. While being part of the community means that you will be exposed to specific ideas and terms, it doesn't mean that you have to give up whatever style you have. For as many queer folks who fit some stereotype, there are just as many who you would never know are queer without talking to them about it. And if someone tells you that you're not queer enough because you don't dress like a queer person, you can tell them to take their normativity and shove it.
Does being queer mean you have to be a Democrat? No. Although the personal is political, being queer doesn't mean that you have to have any specific political affiliation or allegiance. I've met queer folks who span a huge chunk of the political spectrum, from conservative Log Cabin Republicans to anarchists. Although organizations dedicated to seeking justice for the queer community often endorse Democratic candidates in local and national elections, being queer doesn't mean that you've implicitly agreed to this. You may agree with those organizations or not; how you handle your politics is entirely up to you.
Does being queer mean you have to choose an identity for life? No. Psychologists are increasingly finding that an individual's sexuality is fluid. You may find that you're attracted to people of the same sex now, only to realize in ten years that you're also attracted to people of another sex. Or you may start out feeling attraction to people of all sexes (or to people regardless of their sex), only to find yourself leaning one way or the other some years later. Also, keep in mind that people generally don't actually choose their sexual identity. They choose whether or not to act on it, they choose whether or not to tell people about it, and they choose what words they want to use to describe it. When it comes down to it, you're attracted to whomever you're attracted to, no matter what you do (or don't do) about it.
How specifically do you have to label yourself? You don't. Some people in the queer community will want you to compartmentalize your identity, but it's up to you to decide how much effort you want to put into labels. Some people find labels liberating. Others find them restrictive. Some people prefer "queer" because it's a general term for a non-normative sexual identity. Other people prefer to use more specific terms. How you identify yourself linguistically is a personal and political choice that may change over time. (If you haven't figured it out by now, the queer community has its own internal politics that can be very tricky to navigate, and labels are among the issues about which we are divided.)
What's the deal with all the letters (LGBTQQIA)? Ah yes, the alphabet soup of queer identities. As I've said before, we're a pretty diverse group of people. What binds us together as a community is the simple fact that we're not straight -- but "not straight" is a complicated and varied thing that includes a whole host of identities. The community often uses these letters to indicate just who falls under the queer umbrella. Specifically, the acronym in this question stands for: lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning, intersex, and ally.
The simple fact is there is a certain amount of internal division in the community. We're not a homogeneous group of people and we all want to be recognized along with the specific sets of issues that we face (e.g., gay men and lesbians often face different social expectations, etc.). Our community isn't a monolith; it's an alliance of people with non-straight sexualities and while we share a core set of issues (such as job discrimination), each group faces its own unique constellation of privileges and obstacles.
We often use the word "queer" as an umbrella term so we can dispense with the ever-growing and increasingly unwieldy acronym.
Isn't "queer" a derogatory term? Yes and no. It depends on how it's used. While "queer" has been used in the past to marginalize us, we have reclaimed it. We've also reclaimed a number of other traditionally derogatory terms in an effort to take the sting out of them. No question, there is a kind of double standard at work. I still hear "faggot" hurled as an insult every week by people outside the community and then (later in the same day) used by people within the community to refer to themselves or each other. As with most names, it's all in how you say it.
What's the deal with sexuality and gender? In a word, it's complicated. Let's get some basic terms out of the way: sex = biological and based on physical characteristics (e.g., male, female, intersex)
• Gender = social construct that comes with expectations of behavior (e.g., man, woman; masculine, feminine)
• Sexuality or sexual orientation = a description of a person's romantic/sexual attractions based on the sex of the person relative to the sex of the people to whom they are attracted (e.g., straight, bisexual, gay)
Remember, the queer community isn't just about sexuality, it's also about gender identity. While sexuality and gender play off one another, they are not dependent on one another. For example, a woman who people consider masculine (based on how she dresses, talks, or behaves) isn't necessarily a lesbian. Likewise, there are gay men who are as masculine as a lumberjack.
Now let's take this up a notch. There are a couple of gender-related terms that you will probably hear in the community that haven't gained much mainstream recognition: transgender, cisgender, and genderqueer. In brief:
• Transgender = someone whose gender identity doesn't match their biological sex (e.g., a biological male who identifies as a woman)
• Cisgender = someone whose gender identity and biological sex match (e.g., a biological male who identifies as a man)
• Genderqueer = someone whose gender identity is nontraditional (e.g., someone who feels socially between traditional genders, or outside of the traditional genders)
See? Complicated and diverse. It's okay. Here's the take-home: sexual identity and gender identity are not the same thing. You don't have to have this all figured out now.
I keep hearing this word "heteronormativity." What does it mean? Basically, heteronormativity is the societal assumption that men are naturally masculine, that women are naturally feminine, and that heterosexuality is the default sexual orientation.
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